oh ya know

So last night was supposed to be the really fun party night and everything and of course Kristen had to ruin it...stupid whore. But thats okay...cause we're just going to get down with our bad selves tonight so take that kristen...I don't hurt peoples dogs or let people steal my best friends shit when they aren't looking...some friend you are you freakin psycho...

Anywho...So I hope my birthday gets better than this or Im going to be really disappointed...right now I'm home alone watching soap operas...whoo hoo. Isn't that exciting? haha. Oh well. Tonight will be fun so I'll look forward to that.

I'm thinking about getting a second job...something really easy like a receptionist or something...at least untill i start school, which will be soon. Go me. It'll only take me less than 2 years to get my degree and then I'll have a job that i get paid hellafied money at and I wont hate my job. I'm so excited. Also, since its an associates degree in science and they are going to teach me more of the medical side if i choose to take those classes I could have the skills for more jobs than just massage therapy and they're going to find me a job when i finish and if that job doesnt work out in the long run i can always go back and they'll help me find another job! The best part though...Its all paid for!!! I'm so excited..not so excited about the school part but the benefits will definately be worth the work.

The raddest thing about this week...I finally get my bed back!!! My parents are buying me renter's insurance so i can have my bed! yay! I'm so excited!

Alright well yeah so...haha...Its been a while and such. I'm all moved out...well unless you count all the crap I left at my house...I'm in search of a new job because I'm a fuckup and totally screwed myself over...but you know, you gotta move on. Eleni...I miss you my love! I'm glad youre going to cut my hair..

Soon I'll be online more often and be able to write more often but as of now, funds are insufficient and we dont have the internet or anything :( Its killing me.

Ahhh...yes thats the sound of fucking relief...I am now officially on my vacation fools. We may not be going to California anymore but hey...at least we are going somewhere...We leave on Thursday and are coming back umm sometime later. Ahh...so glad that I don't have to work tomorrow...so glad. after 6 days, I glad to have some time off. My body says THANK YOU!

I'm tired...but I'm not...I feel like I shouldn't be tired because its not even midnight yet but you know, I could sleep...

must get film before we go...mmm polaroid...how I love you...pictures in minutes--genius.

Anyone who feels like buying me presents because they just love me has my permission and may feel free to purchase away.

I don't know what I want. I don't know what I think. I don't know whats going to happen. I don't know where I'll be. I don't know who will be there. I do know that I'm going to make an effort not to try and figure it out anymore. I'm done trying to do that. All it brings me is bewilderment and thats never any good anymore.

I'm done. I don't need to set perimeters, I don't need it anyway...Since I feel like a hypocrit when I think about this though, I've also decided to stop smoking. I have 4 or 5 cigs left and thats it. After this, I'm done. Hopefully this abstinance will last longer than the other attemps...Sorry if I offend anyone within the next couple weeks. I'm apologizing ahead, so please don't take anything too seriously...unless I'm serious...then do take it seriously...look I'm getting flustered just thinking about quitting...

I hate shopping for things I don't want to buy. I'm just perfectly happy in my t-shirts and jeans. Its me. Everyone should just deal.

What a crazy day. haha. No school...did have to go to the dentist who reminded me for the 173957203756739271638549572762nd time that I need to get my wisdom teeth taken out...damn you teeth! And then it was out with the girls for ahwile. The crazy things we come up with...I will say however, that I will never, ever pick up roadkill ever again. That was just too fucking sick for me to handle...the noise was the worst...We lost but we had too much fun to care...not to mention all the awesome pictures we got. I can't wait to see those. Ah yes, one more thing HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAUL!

Always left wondering what to think....

Should I say something?...Should I be doing something different?..Can anyone tell me whats going on?...

Why is it that I always feel like the lost one. I look at all my friends and they seem like they have everything figured out...then theres me, just exsisting. I feel so floaty sometimes. Almost like if someone isn't there to ground my thoughts, my whole body might just levitate and I'll stroll around the park for awhile...I know that wont make sense to anybody else...so its not really worth trying to explain it anyway...

Christy, Andy, and I went to Meijer and they had these little hamsters and this one waved at us in a crazy fast way. I think some of the others were having a dance contest... It made me happy.

mmm campfire...haha theres nothing better than relaxin around a fire in the middle of the night. I went to Crystals...she and mike had started a fire and then there was a trip to scotts for yummy campfire food and haha it was fun times...now my jacket smells like campfire. It reminds me of the summer, when everybody still hung out together and we all had fun hunting for sticks and catching my blanket on fire (oops!) and eating beef stew that had fallen on the ground and shoved back into the can with a stick....good times those were. Its nice when you can look back and smile.

I have found that all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade..away..again.....

....hmmm

I got my pictures and might I say that I am adorable. haha. Wow. I feel really concieted, but eh who cares anyway right? I got to see my Jess and it was a grand ol time. We sat around and caught up with each others lives and ha I missed her so much but didn't even realize it until tonight. I'll have to stop by her house again sometime soon so we can chat once again.

I'm really tired of all the dirty little mind games the world likes to play. My last entry I said something about how I didn't understand why things just couldn't go my way for once and then today Crystal's dad gives me this fortune cookie and you know what the flippin fortune was? "Everything will now come your way" The world aggravates me like no other.

I wonder if other people wish they could read my mind....

Sometimes I wish I could do that whole freeze frame thing like Zack always did on "Saved by the Bell"...that way I can do whatever I want, say whatever I want and not have to deal with reprecussions. That would be nice....or maybe I could just use a remote control to life..that would be way cooler. Then I could still do and say anything I want and if people didn't like it, I could just rewind it and try again, no foul no harm...someone should invent one of those. I'd definately invest.

Okay, can someone please explain to me one last time just what I did to piss off the world?? Yes, thats right, another entry filled with bitching. Brace yourself, you might even want to fasten a seatbelt if there is one near by. First, I'm going to start off by stating (just for the record) I HATE JERRY. If he died, I don't really think I'd be too sad...that's how much I dispise him. Alright, now that that's out of the way, I will continue...

I walk into work, proud of myself for only being 15 minutes early instead of my usual (and pathetic) hour early arrival. I clock in and talk to Sam for .2 seconds and decide that since Jerry's here I'm going to do good snack bar things (the ones he usually yells at me for not doing when i get in) like fill up the hot dog warmer machine guy thing with hot dogs for later in the night since 2 weeks ago he yelled at me for not filling the meat warmer...good thinking eh? Well I thought it was good thinking anyway. Of course, I was wrong and got yelled at (well not really yelled at, I exaggerate a lot if you haven't noticed by now) for putting hot dogs in the *gasp* hot dog warmer because we obviously aren't going to sell any hot dogs...even though there was an abundance of little kids swarming the bowling alley...but oh yeah, I forgot, they eat sosphisticated food like fried vegetables right? (by the way I think I sold like 20 hot dogs between the hours of 9-12...thats a lot of hot dogs to grill... grrr) Anyway...10 minutes after that, I get accused of stealing money from the register last night. I get interrigated and I could tell Jerry still wasn't satisfied with anything I had to say so I just stopped talking and walked away. You wanna know how much money I obviously stole last night in the midst of a memory relapse?...$17.96....Fucking $17.96!!! Okay, first of all, if I were going to steal money from the bowling alley, I wouldn't be a dumbass and type it into the register, I would have just taken a 20 and called it a day. Secondly, if I were to steal from the bowling alley, I would have stolen a hell of a lot more money and walked out. I wouldn't be coming into work the next day. Grrrr...just thinking about it makes me angry...to top it all off, I HAVE TO PAY them the 17.96 that I DIDN'T steal by Friday. I know its not a lot but damn...why should I have to pay for something that I didn't even do. At least let me steal the money first before I have to pay it back. I didn't even get the joy in having stolen the money.... Then I glace at the schedule and thought that my eyes had decieved meonce again when I saw that I close on Friday night AND Saturday night BY MYSELF. I have to work on friday from 4:30pm to 1:00am BY MYSELF. I have to work on Saturday from 4:30pm to 2am BY MYSELF. Those are 8 and 9 hour shifts. I usually feel like killing myself out of boredom when I work 3-4 hours by myself...If I make it to Saturday, I will be suprised. Someone please tell me why there are 5 people who work in the snack bar but only 3 of us actually work. Ahhh damn it all to hell. So I feak out in front of this regular customer whose name I dont know but he somehow knows mine and ahh Haley comes in and I tell her everything and we agree that its all shitty and grr and then she leaves. I was so angry by this point that I'm not suprised that nobody bought food for awhile. John told me that every time he walked by the snack bar, he could feel my hate towards jerry radiating off me like a heat lamp. So I finally get out of there at 1 and drive home in the pouring rain, sliding everywhere because rain + rearwheel drive = not a very good combo and I get home and think I'm safe....but of course, my day could not be complete without stepping in cat crap that is conviently placed at the garage door. Thank you cat. Thank you oh so much.

:( Its nights like these that make me miss that whole boyfriend figure. When I can come home and be assurred that everything will be okay(or at least that tomorrow might not suck as much) and watch my favorite movies together until we fall asleep.

On the brightside, I did buy this awesome hat today. It most defiantely rocks and I can't wait to wear it tomorrow at Crystal's.

I did it. I did it. I mother fucking did it. hahah. I'm feeling so crazy right now. I just got back from getting a....duh duh duh TATTOO! haha. It looks so pretty. All in all, it wasn't too bad of an experience...that is if you don't count the times where I had to have Crystal reassure me that he wasn't ripping off my skin...(j/k i think...) but I cry... at the end because my leg was so sore and it hurt so much. I know I know...I'm a big baby. You know what I think about that? SUCK IT! All I have to say right now though is, I'm done with this impulse crap. I think today was just crazy enough to last the whole year.

Work wasn't too bad so that pretty much rocks...I'm starting to think that Sam and I have too much fun with the first aid spray...AHH FIRST AID!!! I love working with her. So silly. haha. Anywho...so yeah. Now I'm home and I had 4 cups of coffee so I'm not all that tired...hmm..what to do what to do...

Who knew it could take us an hour and a half to get somewhere 15 minutes away...haha. We are so awesome. Wait...is that?...AHHH THE AIRPORT!!! Alright I'm done. haha. Those pictures are staying up forever so we never forget!

I got a 980 on my SATS...That's almost 1000. HA I told you I was smart Paul...but you didn't believe me...hhahaha I win.

I'll miss you.

If you expect the unexpected...is it really unexpected anymore?

I feel all loved and such. :) Lots of people ventured to the bowling alley today to visit me. Paul, Katie, Sam, Joe, Crystal, and Mike. I felt so cool. haha. Wow, I'm a complete dork and thats become blatently obvious by the fact that I got all excited and feel special that people came to the bowling alley that didn't suck.

The kid who hit me yesterday's mom (did that make sense) went and got me a gas card and gave me 25 dollars cause they felt bad. :) That was really nice of them. My confidence in the human race is climbing because of that.

I had a lot of fun at work tonight...minus all the screaming kids. I don';t think I've ever laughed that hard and for so long. Good times. Good times.

AH damn you

Ahhh...the times. So good. I had such a fun day. I was all in a good mood and i feel very accomplished...and then we can't forget about the jefferson point rituals. haha. smoke...b&n...smoke....b&n...smoke.. This good day leaves me only to wonder what tomorrow will bring...will it be bad (the world hates me remember?) or will it be surpisingly good? I'm hoping it will be good...or crazy? Crazy's always good right? I do have to work but I don't think it'll suck too much. SAM'S BACK! haha It sure will be interesting. Paul, you should most defiantely come visit me. I'll be there till 10-11ish. I might be feeling like cheese sticks :)

The world is right once again. It was acutally a beautiful day on my day off. Go me. I beat the system!..or maybe not. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I feel like Crystal's brother, coming home all drunk and such from a concert, not making any sense. There were some good laughs right there. David's so silly.

I should get to sleep...or I should write my Government article...but I think I'm just going to watch tv instead. haha. There I go with my procrastinating again...oh dear.



"Nights like this are never ending. I tried so hard to make it perfect..."

Ah....I'm finally free...well at least for 2 days.. :) 2 days is all I need. I love days off. I'ma go to school and sit there and then leave and have fun and party till the cows come home! ha alright maybe not really but the first part's true. Shaun and I's date is all set so that should be fun. I love going out with Shaun...too too fun. especially when people think we are dating when we share dessert because we are both all too poor and stuff to buy our own. ha. Good times. Good times.

I ran into an old friend yesterdayish and i thought it was funny...its weird to hear what other people think about the people you know. She started talking about Kaeti and how she needs to grow up and take care of her kid and such...I think out of anyone I know, Kaeti is probably one of the most responsible people I know since she had her baby. She doesnt drink, doesnt party, doesn't sleep around...nothing like she used to be. Now, she has someone to care for who will always love her...her growing up with a shit family or not really one at all...I think that her baby was the best thing that could have happened to her...possibly saved her life.

I'm proud of my Kaeti.

Why can't things ever be black or white...fuck gray.

grrr. Yeah, thats right. grr. Today was a crap day and it's become blatently obvious that the world hates me. Every time I have a good day or am happy something bad has to happen. Its like the world is making fun of me...I believe it goes a little something like this... "what? she's happy? oh no no no. We can't have that...*BAM* hahahahahahah What was she thinking?..happy? HA!" grr. Lemme tell you about this...alright...first, I spent like 3 months on this art project so I could try and get some sort of financial aid so I could go to St. Francis...3 flippin months of hard work and energy was put in to this thing. I was so proud of it and I was sure with this I'd at least get some recognition or something along that sort. Even, if I didn't get any money or anything, a "hey nice effort" note would have been good. But no, I found out that they didn't even review it or set it out for display in their little show...you wanna know why? BECAUSE THE FUCKERS BROKE MY PROJECT! It was this huge mirror project with ceramic hands and ceramic feet and they fuckin broke my hands and took off the foot. Let me tell you, when i was done with this project there was no way that these apendages were just going to fall off..no no. So I know they either knocked them off or hit it or something on accident...I really don't care. There was no "hey sorry, but this broke" no. nothing. They just bagged up everything and set it aside. I was so mad and upset that grrr I wanted to kill someone. They didn't even have the fucking decency to maybe take caution when setting up their fuckin gallery when you can tell just by looking at it that its flippin fragile. THEN I get ready to go to work and realize that I lost my work shirt. Then I remember that I left it at Crystals...I'd normally just go over and get it...but one problem...she was in Indy.. I called and nobody answered and I was freaking out cause I only have one work shirt and ahhh. I just started crying because I'm stupid like that and I tried to call everyone I know so I could talk to SOMEONE but everyone was busy so I ended up sitting in the bowling alley parking lot by myself for over an hour. Then i went to work and blah blah blah and then I get off and I'm all happy because Sam and Haley cheered me up and I was starting to have fun and then Danny calls me and bitches me out for having this party at his and scotts apartment A FLIPPIN MONTH AGO! The conversation went a little something like this....

Danny: "Hi, this is Dan. Yeah remember me....blah blah blah I'm an asshole...blah blah blah youre a bitch...blah blah blah what gives you the right...blah blah blah I'm mad and your the only person whos number I still have so I'm going to take it out on you...blah blah blah I suck at life."

Me: "Why don't you just suck it?"

Then I hung up and turned off my phone....Fucker.

"I see you're playing a game, where you only know how to take out the best...Cause if assholes could fly...this place would be busier than O'Hare..."

Wow. I had fun today. Go me. It was probably the most fun I've had in awhile. What a good day. Did lots of "shopping" and saw a movie with Paul. What a fun day. We saw Dawn of the Dead...and I'm stupid and thought it was still scary. Its not so much the movie that scares me, its more when I'm alone and my imagination goes crazy and I think I hear or see things that I don't really see. I just end up creeping myself out. I'm such a wuss...I think I'm going to go watch the disney channel now..excuse me.

I'm sorry crystal...here I'm updating...

I'm waiting for my hair to be all cute and such. yay. Cute hair is always a plus. Crystal helped me color it last night and had fun playing beauty parlor...I don;t know if I'll be able to meet you up tonight...i dunno. It depends on how long everything takes and I dont want to make you wait at your house all night for me. It was fun though and next time I'll bring my curling iron. :)

Pete's gone :) whooha! He finally got fired. For leaving work again. What a freaking dumbass. He probably thinks that I got him fired but...no sir, you got yourself fired by being a fucking bastard. So now, I'm taking up a couple shifts but I get to keep all my days off...I'm just extending all my shifts by 3 hours or so...It's gonna suck on Saturday, I have to close and then come in and open... :( not going to be fun...but at least its with haley so whooha!...

Today is going to be a beautiful day...I can feel it!!! (watch the clouds come together and start sleeting or some other god-awful type of weather...)It's gonna be a good day. I get to look cute and get new shoes and wear new socks and go to a movie...ahh..good days rock.

There hasnt been much going on lately...It's basically just been me, sitting around thinking about all the stuff I don't understand...